This video legitimatizes the existence of reality television for me, most specifically 'The Hills,' where nothing ever happens and everyone is always white. I have newfound respect for James Franco and Mila Kunis now.



Now I can die happy.


For reference, the original clip they are parodying can be viewed here.

I may begin working on my SIP again. Such a statement requires fanfare.

Current length: 58 pages
# of pages left to write: 62

That means I am almost half-way done.

Also, I sort of feel like I'm back in Denmark now. Not because of anything truly 'Danish' going on, but rather the feeling that I'm not safe in my own home. It's frightening in that way that things that threaten your personal safety are frightening, but it also feels comfortably familiar, just without the chocolate milk. It also makes me want to smoke cigarettes.

An Open Letter to a Thief



Dear whoever tried to break into our house at roughly 4:30 am,

There are approximately five windows in every room (no panes). Our doors are mostly made of glass. I don't know what you were trying to accomplish with that bike/front porch bashing action against the screen door, but to break into our house, you probably would have done better if you had just broken the glass. Sure, we would have freaked out, locked ourselves in our rooms and called the police, but hey, we did that anyway.
Conclusion: You are more than marginally incompetent. Consider changing your chosen career.

Sincerely,
One of the frightened tenants

October is National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month

Reasons why I would rather live in the South than in Maryland:

1) I don't like the perpetration of domestic abuse and the trivialization of those it victimizes.

2) I should be able to withdraw my consent. Period.

3) I like to be taken seriously when I fear for my life, and not end up doused in gasoline/lit on fire.


How do these things happen in the Northern United States in the 21st Century???

Dear Radiohead,

It is really, really, pitifully easy to be socialist about CD payment plans when you are filthy rich.



To everyone else:

Will you stop talking about how "ground-breaking" Radiohead is for leaving the price of a freaking CD up to a customer? I'm sick of this elitist-hipster crap.

I am soooooo over this. Do we seriously have to act as if nobody's ever done this before?

This is an old conversation, (circa the last time I actually worked on my SIP, which was, oh, ages ago), but I still wanted to post it, because Lauren's dad (a pastor) cracks me up.

me: do you know what kinds of things you can keep with you in jail?
Lauren: i think it depends on why you are in jail
me: specifically: could someone keep a set of books with them in prision?
me: for possession? of drugs?
Lauren: i would think you could have books
me: i can't find anything on the internets
Lauren: i could call my dad and ask
Lauren: he knows a lot about jails
me: okay! you are a saint!
me: sort of like your excommunicated father
Lauren: my dad says no
Lauren: they can be used as weapons
Lauren: my dad tried to take a bible
me: ok, i will use that, not even a bible
me: tell your father thank you for me, he has been very helpful
Lauren: my dad wanted to know if you had a boyfriend in jail
me: HAHAHAHAHHAHA
me: no, it is for a story i am writing
me: no bad boyfriend
Lauren: i knew
me: that is so funny
me: i love your dad
Lauren: he just wanted to make sure
Lauren: he likes to check up on you

Health update: I am not dying, I'm just taking a medical leave of absence from K until I can function again.

Consent is a Surprisingly Easy Concept to Wrap Your Head Around...Really

Last night while eagerly awaiting my CTscan, Lauren and I ended up talking about consent, and wondered why it is SUCH a tricky issue. I mean, knowing whether the person you were sexing up the night before wanted you to be sexing them up in the first place just seems sort of...obvious/easy/doable to me.
The Mirriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines Consent as, "1 : to give assent or approval : AGREE ; 2 : agreement as to action or opinion." So, consent is the giving approval to an action or opinion, in this case, sexual activity with someone.
So why is so hard to "get," and why do people disagree about whether or not it was given?
A passed out individual is not giving consent; they're immobile and incapable of saying "yes" in any way, shape or form, period. That scenario seems the most obvious of all.
It seems to me that consent is as simple as one person saying, "Do you want to do this?," and another replying, "Yes." It's not like those seven words are a complete mood killer, and it's not like signing an affidavit was involved. It would take about 30 seconds to actually have that conversation. That's pretty simple. Right?

Then how do so many people make the mistake of saying, "they were asking for it?" David Cox, a blogger for Comment is Free, echoed this sentiment in a recent post, Feminism's Rape Fallacy.

Yet, why shouldn't women be encouraged to think twice before visiting footballer's hotel rooms late at night? Why shouldn't they be advised that to get themselves into a drunken stupor in the company of a frisky male could carry risks? Whatever the polite classes may feel, a large proportion of the population continues to see sense in such admonitions.

No offense Mr. Cox, but Women's Suffrage and the Civil Rights movement weren't exactly "popular" with a large percent of the population, many of whom "saw the sense" in segregation and limiting a woman's rights. When you really consider the issue, it all comes down to an individual's right NOT to be raped, not their choice to be in a situation that may or may not be "risky." Even if a woman is tipsy or drunk and visits a football player's hotel room late at night, she still maintains her basic right as a human being to physically "be" somewhere, and not have someone's penis forced into her, and a large group of Americans who fail to see the situation that way will not change the logic or rights of one of my fellow human beings. Perhaps if women were not raped in countries where they are not allowed to walk alone at night and forced to wear clothing that completely conceals their body, I would see their pseudo-logic. Unfortunately, that simply isn't the case. A staggeringly large number of women are raped every year, regardless of where they were, who they were with, or what they were wearing. Rape has nothing to do with those details of circumstance, and everything to do with the presence of a rapist. "Feminists object that even to mention such things constitutes a shift of blame from perpetrator to victim. Yet, when we fit window locks, does this make burglary our fault?," David Cox writes. Such logic does shift the blame from the perpetrator to the victim - it frames the rape as the consequence of their decisions, not as the rapist's, despite the fact that the victim did not seek or ask to be raped, nor did they desire to be. If you didn't desire it, it isn't consensual, period, all the time, every time, and a large proportion of the .population thinking differently won't change that.

In closing, I'd like to quote something from Melissa McEwan's post on Shakesville:
The whole rape-burglary comparison ("We keep our valuables out of sight") needs to die a swift and preferably painful death. As I've said before, as charming as it is to see the wanton and unwanted abuse of my body compared to property theft, I honestly can't even begin to convey how much you don't get it if you can construe a woman just existing with "keeping valuables in plain sight." That defenders of the "rape aversion advice rooted in women's behavior restriction" inevitably rely on the "getting robbed" comparison tells us two things. One: It shows how deeply ingrained the notion of women's bodies as property is. Comparing a woman's genitals to "unhidden valuables" is laughable in both practical and intrinsic ways, and yet such associations are routinely cited with not a hint of awareness at their patent absurdity. Two: It illustrates how far removed men are from the real threat of rape. Invoking property theft is evidently the closest thing many men can imagine to being forcibly subjected to an assault on one's sex organs, which has got to be a lovely world in which to live.

One year later, these are the things I miss about Denmark:

The kakao maelk:







And King's cigaret (Photo courtesy of The House of Prince site - and yes, that really is the name of the premiere cigarette manufacturer in Denmark):
and why do I love them so? I think it's because the filters are the size of the nail on my pinky finger. And also because they have the best warning slogans - "Smoking can hurt," and "Smoking is maybe harmful for you and a fetus."

While wasting my time on The House of Prince site, I found this marvelous gem under "View of Smoking":
We know that many people find it difficult to quit smoking. Some may use the expression that they have become addicted to smoking. We believe that everybody can quit smoking. Millions of people all over the world quit every year, simply because they decide to do so and add will power to their decision.
Smoking is a choice that should be left with adults only. In our opinion nobody under the age of 18 should smoke."

Really? My first memory on Danish soil is of a middle-aged Danish woman lighting a cigarette in the airport at baggage claim, and then giving it to her 12-year-old son. 18 my ass.













And I probably miss this most of all. I tried making some myself, but I had to use Svensk vodka and Hall's cough drops, and...it was miserable. It just tasted like shots of vodka that smelled like sickness. It was sort of tragic. And chunky...not all of the cough drops dissolved all the way.










I'm pretty sure that a lack of mentholated vodka is the source of my bad health. And the red King's. And not enough chocolate milk. Screw all natural foods...I miss the Danish diet.



I miss the school-sponsored alcoholism, the non-stop haze of cigarette smoke, and The Danish Film Institute. Too bad they only get 4 hours of sunlight.

Thanks for nothing, Cosmo!

In their new September issue, Cosmo published an article called, "A New Kind of Date Rape." Essentially, all that the article posits that much non-consensual "sex" is not rape, but gray rape, Never mind that non-consensual sex is the definition of rape itself. The term was coined by Laura Sessions Stepp. She defines gray-rape as "sex that falls somewhere between consensual and denial." "Gray rape" is not a concept supported by experts or those working in the field of sexual assault and abuse. All of the women interviewed in the article were clearly forced into sex, each said no, and each one was physically overcome, with the exception of a woman who was unconscious. Call me old fashioned, but that sure sounds like "rape" to me, not "sex," not "gray rape."
I wrote a letter to Cosmo, expressing my concern over the article, and my fear that all a term like "gray rape" really does it let the rapist off the hook and force the blame onto the victim. I mentioned that I feel that it's significant that most states include sex in an altered state (read: drugs, alcohol) as rape, whether or not that legal definition is enforced properly. I received this response yesterday afternoon:

Dear Reader,
We received your letter of concern regarding our September story “A New Kind of Date Rape” and want to address what seems to be a misunderstanding. Cosmopolitan did not invent the term gray rape. The phrase emerged when the author of our article, Laura Sessions Stepp, was researching a book on today’s hookup culture.
In fact, the words were used by women who were left confused after a sexual encounter they were not one hundred percent sure they had consented to and by women who had known friends who were similarly confused. The confusion, many of these women admitted, was the result of having been under the influence of alcohol at the time of the encounter. Our article endeavored to help victims in these situations make sense of their ordeal, explain their avenues of recourse, and offer advice on how women can prevent so-called gray rapes from happening.
Cosmopolitan has a long history of covering the topic of sexual assault and, more important, of being an advocate for victims. Linda Fairstein, a former Manhattan sex-crimes prosecutor of 25 years, is a regular contributor to our pages. She and other rape experts applaud Cosmopolitan’s efforts to keep our readers educated about such difficult issues as sexual assault.
Sincerely,
The Editors of Cosmopolitan

So thanks for setting me straight Cosmo. Thanks for letting me know that the term "emerged," and that you know women, some of whom know people who have been raped, since that changes everything. Thanks for telling me that I simply misunderstood the entire article, and missed it's point. I don't feel insulted at all. Thank you for addressing my concerns by insinuating that I just don't understand the complexity of an issue like rape. It's not like I have any experience relating to such a complex topic, and it certainly isn't possible that I might actually know anyone who has ever been raped, which i suppose makes you the expert.
So fine Cosmo. I guess I just don't get it - but I'm inclined to think that I do get it, and I am further inclined to believe that you seem unable to claim any responsibility for publishing an article that is misleading when confronted with it.

SURPRISE!

Plastic surgery on your labia is harmful! The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the Society of Gynecologic Surgeons are both saying that vaginal rejuvenation and cosmetic methods of altering the vagina "are unproven and potentially risky, and that medical claims about results are exaggerated."

"To do this for cosmetic reasons, and to say it will improve sexual fulfillment is totally absurd," says Thomas Stovall, past president of the Society of Gynecologic Surgeons and a clinical professor at the University of Tennessee at Memphis.

They cite Dr. 90210's David Matlock for popularizing cosmetic surgery for female genitals. It's a little beyond me why anyone would really want to undergo a procedure that quite often leads to "infection, scarring, nerve damage and loss of sensation," but let's keep in mind that Dr. David Matlock is the same doctor that:

• almost had his license revoked by The Medical Board of California in 1998 for alleged "insurance fraud, dishonesty and negligent care to two patients" (State Records of California)

• Was placed on probation for four years in 2000

Are we really surprised that this is the man who's performed over 3,000 surgeries, and trained 140 doctors?

so hey, it may be your uterus, but legally, it could belong to your ex-boyfriend

A quick snapshot: seeking a first-time abortion? Well, if a new Ohio law passes (H.B. No. 207), women in the state will have to provide their abortion providers with "written, informed consent" of the father. Additionally, women will have to provide paternity tests to prove that the written, informed consent is actually from the father. So, not sure who the father is? Pay for paternity tests! And if you lie about it? It's now called "abortion fraud," and that's a first degree misdemeanor. Commit "abortion fraud" twice, and it's a felony. And the icing on the cake? If you've been raped, you have to prove it. No, really, you have to provide your abortion provider with proof you've been raped.

It all just strikes me as terribly wrong.

This is a news story that has caught my attention frequently in the past few weeks:

Cassandra Hernandez, a 20-year-old Air Force Airman, First-Class, attended a party in the on-base dormitory, where she was raped by three of her fellow airmen. She reported the attack and a formal inquiry into the incident was launched by the Air Force, and the three airmen were charged with raping her.

She and her family report that they have been harassed by the Air Force and those involved with the case during the legal process. One of the airmen decided not to accept the Article 31, and decided to go through with a trial (this means that the other two airmen DID accept the article, which means that they accepted that they were guilty of gang raping Hernandez). An attorney representing the accused airman, set up a series of interviews with Hernandez, not allowing her on-base victim's advocate to be present. Hernandez consequently decided that she did not want to testify in the trial, and the Air Force dropped the charges against the airmen, citing "factual inconsistencies," and her desire not to testify against the three airmen.

Months later, Hernandez and the three men she says attacked her were charged with Article 15s (indecent acts). Hernandez declined to accept the nonjudicial decision that she had committed 'indecent acts' when she had been raped, and requested a hearing. She has since been court-martialed, and the three airmen she says attacked her have been given immunity in exchange for testifying against her.

So, let's get this straight -

Hernandez reported that she was raped.
She was subjected to interrogations without her victim's advocate present, which is ILLEGAL.
She chose not to testify, and the charges were dropped.
She was court-martialed, and the men who raped her face no consequences for their actions in exchange for testifying that sex was consensual.

Lovely.

I know I am no longer in the land of the vikings, but I feel like this REALLY needs to be shared with the world. DESPERATELY.

Andrew Bird, singing with puppets on a children's show? Marvelous. He makes such a fine Dr. Stringz, and he is looking so much healthier since he started laying off the coke. The man makes me proud.



ps and if you didn't already know, you can download "heretics" from his upcoming 2007 album, 'Armchair Apocalypse' on his website homepage.


I love this man more every day.

I head back to the States tomorrow morning, and I'll be back in Chicago sometime around 2 pm. I'm outrageously excited about being back in the States, but I'm extremely worried about how foreign the familiar will likely feel to me once I'm back on US soil.
For the most part, I guess I haven't really LOVED Denmark while I've been here, but I'm incredibly glad I came. While at times painful, my original intuition that going on study abroad without my K people would make me more independent has held true, and at the risk of sounding like a cheap cliche, I can already see how this experience has made me a stronger individual. I guess that makes all the stuggles with Danish libraries and socialized medicine worth it?

Things I will greatly miss about Denmark:
frikadellar, and how it can be used in EVERYTHING
kaergarden, and how the lack of trans-fats make it the butter of the gods
haribo's gummy fried eggs and hamburger pieces. and the frogs too.
how many kinds of Ritter they have here
the smell of King cigarettes (only the red ones)
Christiana
being able to walk across the entire town
open container laws
doing sudokus with Hillevi on the train
The Red-Green Alliance, and how much they love it when I show up, walk in, and just take a bunch of posters
fisherman's
the wall
the milk here, and seeing women buy five of the little cartons at once at the grocery store
drunk Santas
7-11's
the young kid and the old man who work at the Albertslund kiosk
public transportation
Anders
Jacob and how he is "totally bananas!"
the people I've met

Things I will likely not miss a bit:
the outrageously high taxes on EVERYTHING
seeing the fugly sculpture behind DIK everytime I go to buy groceries
the "safety" of Albertslund
Turkish immigrants
political in-correctness
the black mold in my bathroom
Danish weather
Jantelov
the Danish language, and my inability to pronounce it
spending so much on "cheap" groceries
my inability to afford to see movies
Michael's bad rap music, at 3 am
Michael's inability to clean his dishes, even after a month's time
Michael's general creepiness
my kitchen, and its flies/general disgustingness
drinking out of bowls because I am too cheap to buy both glasses and bowls
the Israeli guy who works at the coffee kiosk
it taking so long to get into town
locking myself out of my room so often
photojournalism
Anders